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One copy

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this machine work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

Alcohol at work

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work...

Its an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communication.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you dont care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

  Assumptions

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, it is a crock of shit and it stinks. And the Workers went unto the Supervisors and said, it is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.

And the Supervisors went unto the Managers, saying, it is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it. And the Managers went unto the Directors, saying, it is a vessel of fertiliser, and none can stand against its strength.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, it promotes growth, and it is very powerful. And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects. And the President looked upon the Plan and he saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.

Memo

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

1. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

1. executed as soon as possible.

Signed ...

Jim

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING THE INITIAL LETTER

John,

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, , 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Regards ...

Jim

D Ten T Error

I'd like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the other day. Young Joanne, the editor of a Yorkie publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, So, what was wrong?

And he replied, It was an ID ten T error.

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??

He gave her a grin... ;-) ... Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, replied Joanne.

Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out.

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

Classes For Men

New evening classes for men! All are welcome. Open to men only!

C lasses starting this month.

Note Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays?

Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic . Toilet paper rolls do they grow on the holders?

Round-table discussion.

Topic Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.

Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?

Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity losing the remote to your significant other.

Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.

Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.

Real-life testimonials.

Topic . Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she

parallel parks?

Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live basic differences between mother and wife.

Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 1. How to fight cerebral atrophy remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when youre going to be late.

Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued. Register now!

Contact your the nearest Society of Typical Men (STM)

Intelligent Men!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.

She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

Farting problem

Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem.

She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later.

When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was... Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing....

Bartenders revenge

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

Certainly, sir, thatll be 1 cent.

One penny?! exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

Certainly sir, replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.

How much money? inquires the guy.

Four cents, he replies.

Four cents?! exclaims the guy. Wheres the guy who owns this place?

The barman replies, Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says, Whats he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies, Same as what Im doing to his business.

Short Paki Jokes

Did you hear about the 747 jets which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi ?

The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?

Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?

Somebody stole the book.

Pakistanis Guess

A Pakistani was driving in the countryside in USA and spotted a herd of sheep with lambs. He decided a cute little lamb would be a good pet for his son. So he stopped and asked the shepherd, If I can guess how many animals are in your herd, can I have one of the lambs?

The sheepherder said, Yeah, sure, give it a shot.

So he said There are 7.

The shepherd was amazed because that was exactly right so he said, Go ahead and pick your lamb. As Pakistani was getting ready to leave he said, If I can guess which country you are from, can I have the animal back?

Pakistani said, Fair enough.

The shepherd said, You are from Pakistan !

The Pakistani had to return the animal.

He asked the shepherd, How did you guess that?

Shepherd says, Because that animal is a dog, not a lamb!

Smuggling From Pak

Due to the tension in India-Pakistan border, the Customs officials in India were warned of possible smuggling of guns from Pakistan into India . A man came to the border from Pakistan on a bicycle with two bags tied on each sides of the cycle and he was stopped!

What are you carrying? asked the officials. He replied, Just sand! OK, open it the bags! Lets see! He did and it contained nothing but sand!

After days, the bicycle man was again on the border. What are you carrying now? asked the officials.

He said, Just sand!.

OK, open it! Lets see!

Again, nothing but sand! And so it went for several many days!

Soon after the war was over and everything was fine, sometime later one of the officials met the man with the bicycle in a market. Hey you! We are sure you were smuggling something but always the bags had sand! What was it that you were smuggling?

Bicycles! he replied!

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

. Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Lets exchange recipes.

. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

1. Im not your type. Im not inflatable.

14. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

16. Dont worry. I forgot your name, too!

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. You say Im a bitch like its a bad thing.

1. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

0. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

1. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cat.

. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

. Earth is full. Go home.

4. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

5. Im not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

6. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

7. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

8. Youre so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read Please allow up to 8 days for delivery

. Ive seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

0. You know youre a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ......= Able to B.S. a lot

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ......= Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ...............= Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ...= Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY .........= Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................= Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ......= Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER .............= Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING .................= Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER ................= Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE .....................= Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ...= Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ......= Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .......= Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ...= Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ...........= Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED ..................= Back Stabber

LOYAL ..........................= Can't get a job anywhere else

Beer Logic

Symptom Beer is crystal clear

Fault Its water. Someone is trying to sober you up.

Action to take Punch the guy who gave you the water.

Symptom Dont recognize anyone, dont recognize the room youre in

Fault Youve wandered into the wrong party.

Action to take See if they have free beer.

Symptom Feet cold and wet

Fault Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle

Action to take Adjust angle so open end points to ceiling.

Symptom Feet warm and wet

Fault improper bladder control

Action to take Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Symptom Beer unusually pale and tasteless

Fault Glass or bottle is empty

Action to take Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom Opposite wall covered with florescent lights

Fault You have fallen over backward

Action to take Chain yourself to the bar

Symptom Mouth filled with cigarette butts

Fault You have falled forward

Action to take see above

Symptom Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet

Fault Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong part of face

Action to take Enter bathroom, confirm mouth location, practice in the mirror

Symptom Floor blurred

Fault You are looking through the bottom of your empty container

Action to take Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom Floor moving

Fault You are being carried out

Action to take Find out if youre being taken to another bar

Symptom Room seems unusually dark

Fault Bar is closed

Action to take Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home

Symptom Taxi is unusually colorful and pretty

Fault Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Action to take Cover mouth

Symptom Everyone looks up to you and smiles

Fault You are dancing on the bar

Action to take Find someone cushy-looking to land on

Symptom Your singing sound distorted

Fault Insufficient beer intake

Action to take Increase beer intake until it sounds just right

Symptom Dont remember the words to the song

Fault Correct beer intake

Action to take Play air guitar

Symptom Unattractive woman in your sights

Fault Insufficient beer intake

Action to take Up the dosage

Symptom Shins and toes hurt

Fault Youve been walking into things

Action to take Mantain dosage

Symptom Squishy feeling in the hands

Fault Youve grabbed a womans breasts

Action to take If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone number

Symptom Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

Fault Youve been in a fight

Action to take Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Symptom Bed is stiff and bumping around, wierd people standing around you

Fault Taking a ride in an ambulance

Action to take No action necessary, youve already made an ass out of yourself.

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